Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Mowwaige...

As a single man, I often wonder this about my married friends and family...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!

I like the fact that you're together, and some of you are happy, but when did the religious conversion occur? I mean... single Jehova Witnesses run from the marriage missionaries. Do you realize what you sound like?

Now, I like Kim Chee, it's a little thing I picked up in college, but if I was as zealotous about Kim Chee as most married folk are about being hitched, no one could stand to be around me.

"Are you hungry (single)?
Do you like cabbage (girls)?
Do you have a favorite cabbage dish (girlfriend)?
I've got the perfect food (girl) for you...
Have you ever tried Kim Chee (Kim, Barbara, Joyce, Stella, Meredith, Heather, Halley, Trina)?
It's such a sweet dish (she's such a nice girl/personality/pretty eyes/neat whatever).
Why aren't you hungry (married)?
When are you going to try Kim Chee (get married)?
It's about time you tried Kim Chee (got married)."

And this doesn't even address the children aspect.

"You need to get Kim Chee (married). I need some more in the fridge (grandkids).
You know, that expiration date is coming up (you're not getting any younger), you need to settle down and have a good bowl of Kim Chee (kids).
You need to stock your fridge with Kim Chee (have kids), that way my Kim Chee would have company (my kids would have someone to play with)."

From the time I was young, I always heard the phrase that the two things you don't discuss are politics and religion. I'd like to add marriage to the list. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to marriage, nor do I think that finding the right person and settling down wouldn't have appeal. But if these people were pushing Republicanism or Mormonism this vehemently, you'd never let them in your house! If they did sneak by your security perimiter under false pretenses, you'd never let them back in, that is if the corpse sniffing dogs didn't have to root them out of their shallow graves in your backyard. But nope. I suffer these fools. While not exactly gladly, I at least do it in silence.

I have come up with several good ways of avoiding these types of questions, other that saying "Why don't you shut the frell up!" although that would have generated a tremendous amount of personal glee in most cases.

Usually these questions don't pop up around these parts until you're at least 21. That gives most youths the chance to get a year of college under their belt and get back from their Mormon mission. At which point they're expected to get hitched within 6 months so they can start hoovering spirit babies down here to their terrestrial home like some bizarre nydus canal, but that's a different story all together. I didn't go on a Mormon Mission, and it's been more than six months since my 21st birthday. Suffice it to say, I've had a few years to work on the answers, but like most things, I didn't work up any good ones until I was almost out of college.

While I was there, I became pretty good friends with a girl who was dating a buddy of mine. Fortunately for me, her last name was Wright. Now when everyone asked when I was getting married, I answered, "Well, I've met Miss Wright, and the rest is just a matter of time." Phonetically, of course, they all thought I said Miss Right, and their eyes would narrow just a bit and they'd get this little knowing smile and while nodding their heads say, "Ohhhhh... *wink wink nudge nudge* " and that would kill that line of questioning. UNfortunately for me, she dumped my buddy and married someone else, so she's no longer Miss Wright, she's Mrs. O, and that doesn't lead to nearly the same effect.

My next, and current answer is, "I'm still waiting for the right girl to ask me." This usually elicits a laugh from them, a serious face from me, followed by confusion by them, and the subject gets swept under the carpet... Not as clever, but effective never the less. I suppose the thing is, if you really must know, that actually would make it a lot easier. Don't laugh... Schprock and g_s know of what I speak...

So anyway, here I sit, contently on my own, just waiting for the next fire and brimstone sermon from those on the lifetime quest to convert me from my evil bachelorly ways...

15 Comments:

Blogger John said...

"Now, I like Kim Chee, it's a little thing I picked up in college,"

I'm confused...was this post about an Asian chick you hooked up with in college? Let go of your fear of commitment and go to her. Go to Kim Chee!

2/01/2006 8:15 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Wow, LL. Sounds like you need a good woman.

Actually, I counsel all my single friends NOT to get married. "Don't do it!" I say. "You don't know how good you have it!" I give them the "mass of men living lives of quiet desperation" speech. Then I write out on a blackboard this simple formula: WOMAN = PAIN.

Due to my sad oratorical skills, all of them have ignored me and gotten married anyway. Fools!

2/01/2006 9:06 AM  
Blogger Stellar said...

What in the hell are you on and can I have a little baggie of it?

I would advise (only in the comfortable secrecy of cyberspace) against marriage. Married people want you to get married to slowly assimilate the world to a specific type of banality.

Now I'm not saying I live in that world... but I wouldn't get lost there.

2/01/2006 9:12 AM  
Anonymous BC said...

Marriage is an institution. Are you ready to be institutionalized? ;o)

2/01/2006 9:38 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

As a single Jehovah Witness, I recommend good running shoes.

Seriously, though, there is nothing more irritating that incessant nagging by married people. Just because they're miserable, why do I have to be?

I just tell people I'm a lesbian. Maybe that would work for you.

2/01/2006 10:42 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Oh, and you've sold me on the Kim Chee.

2/01/2006 10:43 AM  
Blogger LL said...

"Go to Kim Chee!"

Alas, if only I could, what with her garlicy goodness...

"Then I write out on a blackboard this simple formula: WOMAN = PAIN."

I believe this more than anything else explains why your doghouse is so nice...

"I just tell people I'm a lesbian. Maybe that would work for you."

Bah... you never told the Indian dude that, and he even asked. :P

But it does remind me of a joke...

This cowboy goes to town from the hills and as he's walking down the street, a woman comes up to him and asks,
"Excuse me, are you a cowboy?"
"Yes ma'am. I am. Are you single by any chance?"
"Yes, I am single, but I'm a lesbian."
"A lesbian? What's that?"
"Well, when I get up in the morning the first thing I think about is women, then when I get my first cup of coffee I think about women. In fact I think about women all day long and it's the last thing that usually goes through my head at night."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much for explaining that to me." and the cowboy continues down the street where he comes across another young woman who asks, "Excuse me, are you a cowboy?"
"No ma'am. I guess I'm a lesbian."

2/01/2006 12:36 PM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

My cousins used to stick me at a table with all their single friends. Luckily, I only have one unmarried cousin left, and he isn't getting married anytime soon.

2/01/2006 2:17 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

I say if you don't feel strongly about wanting to be married, for God's sake don't. Way too many people get married because everyone they know is.

2/01/2006 4:20 PM  
Blogger LL said...

Well JG, here's how I see it, and most people disagree with me. When I was in school, I had to take a class that dealt with the futures markets for commodities. As with most things traded by other people, every day there was a range of values that this commodity sold for. It ranged from the highest value to the lowest value, and then it kept track of the value that it ended the day at which was called the settle.

I compare this directly to people and dating. We all have a similar range. Everyone has their idea of the perfect mate (the high), they also have their idea of the worst person that they'd take (the low), and then what they eventually settle for. Some are satisfied in settling around the low mark, because they'd rather be married to anyone than no one. Some are satisfied with settling in the middle somewhere because their ideal is thought to be unatainable. And then there are others who hold out and try to settle as close to the ideal as they possibly can. In a lot of cases, that means that these people don't settle at all, and they remain single despite the pressures brought to bear.

As for who lands in each category, I'll leave up to the individual to self-assess... ;)

2/01/2006 5:02 PM  
Blogger Tibetan Underworld said...

Why are people over there getting married at 21? Holy crap, didnt anyone tell you people that you leave marriage for when your career is over? That's a wait until you're at LEAST 30.

When will these people learn?

2/02/2006 2:19 AM  
Blogger LL said...

" Why are people over there getting married at 21?"

In this area? I imagine it's for guilt-free sex and religious reasons. Mostly the former...

2/02/2006 7:49 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Good lord, in this area, the girls get married about 18 or 19. They start to hyperventilate if they get to 21 and are still single. I think it has something to do with the fear that their uterus may dry up and blow away. I saw it on Discovery channel.

2/02/2006 9:41 AM  
Blogger LL said...

Which show was that KTM? That way, I'll know which one to avoid...

2/02/2006 12:52 PM  
Blogger Tibetan Underworld said...

What area are you guys in?

Sorry - ignorant aussie here.

2/08/2006 1:30 AM  

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