Monday, March 17, 2008

Storytime: The Proctologist Edition

Back in college, we became friends with some underclassmen even though we were a few years older than they were. We'd play poker at our house nearly every night, and it was just hilarious all of the time. Side splittin' fun...

Of course outside of the usual banter and cussing over bad hands, there were stories a plenty...

One of the guys' father was a breast surgeon. Not breast surgeon in the "Doc I want DD's" sense more like reconstructive and mastectomy. But he also had a monthly poker game with all of his doctor friends, and of course some of them were proctos and urologists. Of course my buddy was there for a lot of the games, and he'd always ask the other docs about their favorite stories.

Being the good friend he was, and since it was poker at our house, he relayed the stories to us. I just knew that you'd want to hear a couple...

First up was the proctologist. When asked what the wildest stories he had, the tales started flowing. He told Patrick about having to pull the necks of broken ketchup bottles out of peoples ass, all kinds of other foreign objects, but the best was yet to come.

This guy walks in and says... "Uh doc... Uh... I kinda got something... Uh..." "Bend over." the doc replies. He said all of these kinds of stories start out the same way. Nobody wants to fess up to actually shoving something up their ass so they always hem and haw around the subject. So our procto puts on his headlamp and gloves and spreads the ol' cheeks, and then... opens up the cavity, and was taken aback by what he saw... Right there... looking back at him was an eyeball. Not expecting such a thing, he was initially shocked, but then he regained his composure and finally figured out what it was. It was a shot glass with an eyeball in the bottom of it with the words "Here's lookin' at you!" wrapped around the eyeball. Of course due to the shot glass shape, once it went in, like an arrow, it wasn't coming back out.

"Uhhhh... I was walking naked on the bar and slipped and it kinda went up there..." "Riiiiight."

Next up was the urologist. His story began like this... This guy walks into his office and says, "Doc, I... I can't pee." "Alright, let's have a look." So he starts to examine the fellow and can tell that there's not a natural obstruction. He gets out the tweezers and forecepts and sticks them up the head of this guys... well... unit to try and get ahold of what ailed him. Any guesses what it turned out to be? I didn't have any clue either, but it was a thermometer. But wait... there's more! It wasn't just one thermometer... it was THREE! End to end. And the best part? They'd been in there so long that they'd calcified on the outside and when he pulled them out, they ripped this guy up something fierce. I don't think even this idiot will be pulling the same stunt again...


Blogger Tink said...


How did he get the thermometers in there?! Nevermind. I don't want to know.

3/18/2008 7:20 AM  
Blogger LL said...

My question wasn't so much "how" but... WHY?!?! What could possibly enter your mind and make you think that sticking 3 thermos up your willie was going to be a pleasant experience?

3/18/2008 8:07 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Holy cow! How the heck did he pee with thermometers up there so long??? That's insane! What in the world would convince someone that's a good idea???

I had to have a catheter last year for a test and I can guarantee that I would never volunteer for that!

3/18/2008 9:02 AM  
Blogger LL said...

:nods head: See previous comment. ;)

3/19/2008 8:05 AM  
Blogger tiff said...


I can two, but three's just out of hand, isn't it?

3/19/2008 8:38 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Ow and ow and ow and OW! Have a drink IN me is all I can think with the shot glass in the ass. And thermometers. OK, must make husband read this blog just to watch him squirm. Haha.

3/19/2008 12:12 PM  
Blogger BC said...

I dont even want to think about how much that hurt, let alone why he did it in the first place.

3/19/2008 8:56 PM  
Blogger fermicat said...

Maybe he was trying to stiffen his rod AND measure how "hot" he was all at the same time? But man, what would have happened if one of those things broke? Were they mercury? Ack.

This post makes me think of a show they did on TLC (or maybe it was Discovery). Top 100 Things Found in the Human Body, or similar title. Pretty bizarre! Why do people do stupid things? In many of these cases, I believe there may be some drugs or alcohol involved...

3/20/2008 8:40 PM  
Blogger MW said...


And bleeping yuck! You win "The Most Disgusting Entry of the Year" award. ;-)

Normally, I would say such idiots totally deserve what they've done to themselves, but in the case of the guy with the thermometers, I just can't do it.

Before I close and hurriedly cleanse myself of all memories of this entry, I shall once again say...,"



3/21/2008 11:06 PM  
Blogger LL said...

Tiff -- YOU CAN TWO? I... er... I... I'm speechless. ;)

Beth -- Whoa... is it really cringe worthy enough to make the hubby read it? I'm so flattered.

bc -- see previous comments above.

fermi -- If'n you need glass rods to stiffen you up, perhaps you're just not cut out for that kinda thing. As for the style of thermo... I must confess, I didn't even ask.

mw -- Most disgusting of the year? Isn't it a bit early to be handing out such an award? I mean... I can probably dig into the recesses of my memory banks and come up with a more disgusting tale sometime during the year.

3/24/2008 8:20 AM  
Blogger MW said...

OK, I suppose I should have written, "Fiscal year." ;-)

3/24/2008 10:38 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

What? No meat basters or gerbils? Aw, man, what a gyp.

Could it be they were rectal thermometers and they started in one end and wound up in the other?

3/24/2008 10:44 AM  
Blogger LL said...

Hmmm... that's something I never asked...

4/07/2008 10:47 PM  

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