Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Tail of Two Heinies...

A long time ago in land close close to me...

My dad had an... erm... episode with the 'roids. Now when I say "the 'roids", I don't mean ste, I mean hem. Now when you're riding a lot, and you have a case of the 'roids, it's tremendously painful. Cowboys in general have quite a succeptibility to them because they have a tendency to be dehydrated during their long outings, and well... that leads to adverse consequences.

My dad finally couldn't take it anymore, so went somewhere and had the surgery done to fix them. As he was leaving the hospital, the nurses told him that if they started to flair up again, that he should put Mennen's Skin Bracer (the green stuff) on his... erm... backside. The nurses said they didn't know why, but that stuff works like a shot and it was the only thing they knew of that worked.

My dad, took their advice and became a regular user. One thing I need to mention... the first time you do it... well...

One of my dad's first cousins was complaining about his 'roids and so my dad told him about the cure. "Does it work?" "I've never had any more problems." At this point, my cousin was willing to try anything and so on his way home, stopped by the store and bought a bottle of the green elixir.

Once he got home, he went in... sat on the throne, cracked the seal, and proceeded to dob a little on his problem area...

It was at this time, he first realized that the human body is a complex organism that doesn't operate in a vacuum. No... believe it or not your sphincter is directly connected to your diaphram, and when you splash skin bracer up there... you'd better be braced cause the first time it'll take your breath away.

He wasn't braced.

His wife, who was out in the kitchen, heard a startling noise and rounded the corner to find him exiting the bathroom with his pants around his ankles in a half crouched, bow legged position shuffling along with his eyes wide.

When he first slapped it up there, the alcohol in the ointment immediately reacted with the raw skin and caused him to gasp in shock. Of course as he gasped, that caused his nether regions to tighten up, which caused the elixir to find its way even further into the raw area, which in turn caused him to expel the gasped air in a sound that was similar, but not quite identical to the word "OH!"

Of course... when he expelled the "OH!" that caused another involuntary reaction in his end, which allowed the newly exposed raw area to now become exposed to the air again, which in turn caused the alcohol to immediately evaporate, leading to another gasp, which in turn led to another "OH!" which led to another gasp, which...

So when his wife, not knowing what he had done, looked at him and yelled, "What's wrong!" all he could do is do the shufflehop, gasp, and "OH!" dance toward her with his arms outstretched to balance himself.

After about 20 feet, the alcohol had finally evaporated and he could stand fully erect again and had to explain the whole thing to the wife and kids. When they could see that he wasn't going to die, they all started laughing at the spectacle, and had to pass the story on to my dad.

"Oh yeah... I guess I forgot to warn you about that." my dad said slyly...

****************************

Today's mystery lyric: (Remember the rules folks, no online searching of the lyrics, if you don't know it, you don't have the answer!)

Somewhere in a lonely hotel room there's a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him. It's 2 AM.

It's 2 AM, my fear is gone. I'm sitting here waiting. The gun's still warm. Maybe my connection is tired of taking chances...

Answer to last lyric: Hey there Delilah by The Plain White T's.

20 Comments:

Blogger Kathy said...

What an hillarious story. I'm sitting in my chair laughing so hard - good thing I have arms on the chair or I would fall off.

Thanks for making my day!

9/17/2008 10:30 AM  
Blogger The W.O.W. factor said...

And...not sure which cure'all is the better! We had a friend, who's passed now (no to the 'roids) but he told us the story of his grandfather, a Bat Masterson clan, coming out west, had the same problem...couldn't take it any longer, parked his horse, got the ol' pocket knife out, yep! and then packed the area with his chewing tobacco. I don't think EITHER the old way or new elixir way sound like fun!
Goes to show ya, ridin' horses is a dangerous occupation....;)

9/17/2008 12:22 PM  
Blogger BC said...

You owe me a new keyboard. LMAO Literally.

I can admit to a similar experience but I wont go into detail. Delivery of child and a can of Dermoplast.

9/17/2008 8:31 PM  
Blogger fermicat said...

That remedy sounds like something my old "neighbor Dave" from Massachusetts would recommend. He had all kinds of folk wisdom. Stuff like applying gasoline to poison ivy!!! Worked for him, ya know...

9/17/2008 9:15 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Oh, dear, that poor man.

W.O.W.'s story almost made me pass out.

9/19/2008 11:14 AM  
Blogger Knight said...

but did it work?

9/19/2008 11:50 AM  
Blogger LL said...

I'll get back to all of you in a bit...

I'm heading up on the mountain to gather cattle, catch you all on the flip side!

9/21/2008 2:36 PM  
Blogger magnetbabe said...

Wow, I'll have to keep that mind, though I've never suffered through the roids myself. My first impression was that the alcohol in aftershave had to make it incredibly painful. Poor guy, he probably thought he was kicking the bucket!

9/21/2008 8:26 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

That is the most hysterical thing I've read in such a long time, I don't even know how long. Just bahahahaha all the way.

9/22/2008 7:50 AM  
Blogger JennyLu said...

Is there something wrong Tucks?

9/22/2008 8:47 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Yeah, that's a warning that shouldn't be left off. ;)

Poor guy.

9/22/2008 9:48 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Damn. Put Prep H on eye bags and aftershave lotion on sore bums.

This is a topsy-turvy world, isn't it?

9/22/2008 1:20 PM  
Blogger The W.O.W. factor said...

"...on the flip side"?? LOL! Let's hope that is just a pun~not a reality!

9/23/2008 2:30 PM  
Blogger JennyLu said...

WOW, it is. Prep H works wonders on the under eyes.

9/23/2008 8:54 PM  
Blogger ctheokas said...

I'll bet "gather cattle" is a euphemism for something else. So come on, LL, tell us what you were really doing up there? Hmmm?

9/25/2008 8:29 PM  
Blogger Train Wreck said...

Well no wonder youwanted to know about the Redman!! hahhahha! Poor fella, and that was a friend of your dads? Man I wouldn't want to cross him! My cowboy doesnt have that problem, he always packs bee..I mean drinks plenty of drinks!! Haven't heard from you in a while/ Hope you brought lots of bee.. I mean fluid, if you are out riding!

9/26/2008 8:30 PM  
Blogger LL said...

I'm back baby... and I'm bringing sexy with me!

9/28/2008 7:37 PM  
Blogger Train Wreck said...

ha ha hahaha! LL you crack me up!! +

10/05/2008 11:12 PM  
Blogger Train Wreck said...

LL You sly devil! You added me to your list!! I thought about adding you to mine, I was worried you would get trampled by all the stampeding bloggers! Also I tread lightly, as to not offend!;)

10/05/2008 11:16 PM  
Blogger JennyLu said...

just sneaking in to give LL a random kick in the butt and let him know tha it is october already and his BLOG is wahhhy overdue for a post... and perhaps... oh something so we know u r still kicking.

10/07/2008 7:47 PM  

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