Interview With a Loser

For those of you that were speculating on who I was going to interview, shame on you… You should know better than to speculate. But for those of you that correctly guessed our subject, kudos for you. Although I doubt it was that hard…

And now we sit down and interview everyone’s favorite old guy… me. :P

First off, I would like to thank all of you for your questions. Second… what’s wrong with some of you? I mean… wow. You’d actually ask someone that? *sigh*

So without any further ado, let’s get into it, shall we?

Question: What exactly do you do?

LL: I am actually a 4th generation cattleman. My great-grandfather settled here in the 1870’s and started raising cattle on the same ranges that I use today. Needless to say, my roots tend to run deep. My family raises beef cattle.

Question: You’ve never posted your picture, why not?

LL: Bah… no one wants to see that. It would be like being forced to see pictures of fresh afterbirths when you logged in here. And we wouldn’t want people to see that, now would we. ;) I’m quite a private person actually, and who knows what would happen if my mug got plastered on the internet. I mean, I couldn’t live with myself knowing all those women would be lusting over me like that. It just wouldn’t be right. I did post my pic once on a message board I used to frequent, and it led to several misunderstandings and a marriage proposal. Seriously.

Question: You’ve mentioned going to court a couple of times… care to elaborate?

LL: No, not really. :P Back in the late 80’s, Idaho went into a major water adjudication and we all got thrust into it. Around 1999, we learned that the United States had actually claimed all of our range water as their own. To make a short story long, we either had to hire an attorney at $150+ per hour, or do it ourselves. Knowing it would be expensive to hire someone else, we elected to do it ourselves. Since that time, I’ve probably appeared in court 100+ times over various things related to it. If you want to get downright technical, I currently have 200+ cases that I’m working on simultaneously right now. Fortunately, they kinda break down into about 10 different categories, so in reality, it’s more like 10. Unfortunately, I get to do what KTM does all day, as well as what her bosses do, along with my full time duties in my chosen occupation. It’s kept me busy, and it doesn’t look like there’s much of a break on the horizon.

Question: Why are you such an a**hole?

LL: HA! Finally! A good question. It’s all part of my charm, I suppose. I am what I am, and sometimes my sense of humor is not appreciated. For those of you who don’t appreciate it, you really need to find something else to get worked up over. Either that or get over yourself, either would probably solve the problem.

Question: What's the most horrifying/embarrassing/disgusting thing you've seen someone doing in public?

LL: Hmmm… I don’t get horrified/embarrassed/disgusted by much. Most of my sensibilities have been seared over the years to the point that I just kind of take it in as something that happened and move on. However, there is that occasional heavy maiden who bends over in her hip huggers and exposed thong that does make me wince a bit.

Question: Which would you rather be forced to do: drink your own urine or cut off one of your fingers?

LL: Too easy. Urine coming from an undiseased bladder is sterile. My bladder is undiseased, so I wouldn’t mind running it back through the ol’ processor if I had to. Besides… fingers don’t grow back, and I don’t have any spares.

Question: If you could be a superhero, who would you be?

LL: Magneto.

Question: What were you like as a teenager? Have you changed or are you still the same?

LL: I was always small as a kid, and not of the predominant religion around these parts. Couple that with the fact that I was blessed with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, and you’ve got all the makin’s for a tormented youth. It did me good, although it was quite rough at the time. I don’t care if I’m popular, and I’m comfortable being alone. Two things that have served me well in adulthood. Other than that, I come in at 5’12” and about 185, so I did get my growth spurt eventually. All in all, nowhere near the same as I was as a teenager.

Question: Do you have any deep-seated phobias? If so, what are they and when/why did they begin?

LL: Phobias? No… not really what I’d call phobias. I’m not too fond of spiders, and that probably comes from being out in the shed as a young boy and poking a large ball of fuzz to see what it was. It was a spider egg sack and when I poked it, about a million spiders exploded out all over me. The fact it sticks in my mind means it was memorable. I’m also not too fond of the water. I don’t swim all that well, and I don’t push my luck.

Question: If you could choose one person to add to your family, who would they be and why?

LL: My future wife of course… Either her or some billionaire. I’m kinda on the fence on that one. ;)

Question: What's your favorite book? Why?

LL: I don’t think I have a favorite book. They’ve all got their own unique charm.

Question: What's your favorite band?

LL: Back in the day, I’d have to say the Scorpions. Now… I appreciate a lot of different songs. Unfortunately in the music bidness today, it’s easier to like individual songs than it is groups. Most have one or two great tunes, but that’s about it.

Question: Does your head sweat?

LL: When it needs to. I live in the desert west, and as such my body has become quite acclimated. I don’t really sweat until I take a drink of water. For example, I can work all day in 100+ temps and never sweat a drop. Then I take a swig of water and my body turns loose of everything it can to cool me down. I find it quite interesting.

Question: How did you sleep last night?

LL: Not too bad. Still have a lot of things weighing on my mind, but…

Question: Do you have any desire to climb Mt. Everest?

LL: No. I wouldn’t mind being on the summit, but I have no desire to climb it just to take a look around.

Question: Is Iraq the Vietnam of the 21st Century?

LL: No. There aren’t any jungles in Iraq.

Question: Why do people stop their cars on railroad tracks?

LL: For a better look at the train of course.

Question: How long is your mustache really?

LL: Hmmm… let’s see… Yup, just as I suspected. It runs from the roots to the tips, just like it always has. ;) Right now it’s probably about… ¾” on the lip, and on the edges… probably about 1 ½ to 2”. The best way to give you a visual is to say that it probably resembles Jamie Hyneman (?) from Mythbusters right now, only with a beard. I grew it for a year one time without trimming it because I read where the average man’s beard grows at about 5” a year and I wanted to test it out. I could literally take the ends and stick them in my ears at the end of the year. That’s about as long as I’ve ever had it, and have never come close since.

Wow… that was definitely a long post, but hey… you asked