Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Interview With a Loser

For those of you that were speculating on who I was going to interview, shame on you… You should know better than to speculate. But for those of you that correctly guessed our subject, kudos for you. Although I doubt it was that hard…

And now we sit down and interview everyone’s favorite old guy… me. :P

First off, I would like to thank all of you for your questions. Second… what’s wrong with some of you? I mean… wow. You’d actually ask someone that? *sigh*

So without any further ado, let’s get into it, shall we?

Question: What exactly do you do?

LL: I am actually a 4th generation cattleman. My great-grandfather settled here in the 1870’s and started raising cattle on the same ranges that I use today. Needless to say, my roots tend to run deep. My family raises beef cattle.

Question: You’ve never posted your picture, why not?

LL: Bah… no one wants to see that. It would be like being forced to see pictures of fresh afterbirths when you logged in here. And we wouldn’t want people to see that, now would we. ;) I’m quite a private person actually, and who knows what would happen if my mug got plastered on the internet. I mean, I couldn’t live with myself knowing all those women would be lusting over me like that. It just wouldn’t be right. I did post my pic once on a message board I used to frequent, and it led to several misunderstandings and a marriage proposal. Seriously.

Question: You’ve mentioned going to court a couple of times… care to elaborate?

LL: No, not really. :P Back in the late 80’s, Idaho went into a major water adjudication and we all got thrust into it. Around 1999, we learned that the United States had actually claimed all of our range water as their own. To make a short story long, we either had to hire an attorney at $150+ per hour, or do it ourselves. Knowing it would be expensive to hire someone else, we elected to do it ourselves. Since that time, I’ve probably appeared in court 100+ times over various things related to it. If you want to get downright technical, I currently have 200+ cases that I’m working on simultaneously right now. Fortunately, they kinda break down into about 10 different categories, so in reality, it’s more like 10. Unfortunately, I get to do what KTM does all day, as well as what her bosses do, along with my full time duties in my chosen occupation. It’s kept me busy, and it doesn’t look like there’s much of a break on the horizon.

Question: Why are you such an a**hole?

LL: HA! Finally! A good question. It’s all part of my charm, I suppose. I am what I am, and sometimes my sense of humor is not appreciated. For those of you who don’t appreciate it, you really need to find something else to get worked up over. Either that or get over yourself, either would probably solve the problem.

Question: What's the most horrifying/embarrassing/disgusting thing you've seen someone doing in public?

LL: Hmmm… I don’t get horrified/embarrassed/disgusted by much. Most of my sensibilities have been seared over the years to the point that I just kind of take it in as something that happened and move on. However, there is that occasional heavy maiden who bends over in her hip huggers and exposed thong that does make me wince a bit.

Question: Which would you rather be forced to do: drink your own urine or cut off one of your fingers?

LL: Too easy. Urine coming from an undiseased bladder is sterile. My bladder is undiseased, so I wouldn’t mind running it back through the ol’ processor if I had to. Besides… fingers don’t grow back, and I don’t have any spares.

Question: If you could be a superhero, who would you be?

LL: Magneto.

Question: What were you like as a teenager? Have you changed or are you still the same?

LL: I was always small as a kid, and not of the predominant religion around these parts. Couple that with the fact that I was blessed with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, and you’ve got all the makin’s for a tormented youth. It did me good, although it was quite rough at the time. I don’t care if I’m popular, and I’m comfortable being alone. Two things that have served me well in adulthood. Other than that, I come in at 5’12” and about 185, so I did get my growth spurt eventually. All in all, nowhere near the same as I was as a teenager.

Question: Do you have any deep-seated phobias? If so, what are they and when/why did they begin?

LL: Phobias? No… not really what I’d call phobias. I’m not too fond of spiders, and that probably comes from being out in the shed as a young boy and poking a large ball of fuzz to see what it was. It was a spider egg sack and when I poked it, about a million spiders exploded out all over me. The fact it sticks in my mind means it was memorable. I’m also not too fond of the water. I don’t swim all that well, and I don’t push my luck.

Question: If you could choose one person to add to your family, who would they be and why?

LL: My future wife of course… Either her or some billionaire. I’m kinda on the fence on that one. ;)

Question: What's your favorite book? Why?

LL: I don’t think I have a favorite book. They’ve all got their own unique charm.

Question: What's your favorite band?

LL: Back in the day, I’d have to say the Scorpions. Now… I appreciate a lot of different songs. Unfortunately in the music bidness today, it’s easier to like individual songs than it is groups. Most have one or two great tunes, but that’s about it.

Question: Does your head sweat?

LL: When it needs to. I live in the desert west, and as such my body has become quite acclimated. I don’t really sweat until I take a drink of water. For example, I can work all day in 100+ temps and never sweat a drop. Then I take a swig of water and my body turns loose of everything it can to cool me down. I find it quite interesting.

Question: How did you sleep last night?

LL: Not too bad. Still have a lot of things weighing on my mind, but…

Question: Do you have any desire to climb Mt. Everest?

LL: No. I wouldn’t mind being on the summit, but I have no desire to climb it just to take a look around.

Question: Is Iraq the Vietnam of the 21st Century?

LL: No. There aren’t any jungles in Iraq.

Question: Why do people stop their cars on railroad tracks?

LL: For a better look at the train of course.

Question: How long is your mustache really?

LL: Hmmm… let’s see… Yup, just as I suspected. It runs from the roots to the tips, just like it always has. ;) Right now it’s probably about… ¾” on the lip, and on the edges… probably about 1 ½ to 2”. The best way to give you a visual is to say that it probably resembles Jamie Hyneman (?) from Mythbusters right now, only with a beard. I grew it for a year one time without trimming it because I read where the average man’s beard grows at about 5” a year and I wanted to test it out. I could literally take the ends and stick them in my ears at the end of the year. That’s about as long as I’ve ever had it, and have never come close since.

Wow… that was definitely a long post, but hey… you asked

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

And Speaking of Quizzes...

Because I was bored, and Kathleen led me down the dark path...

You paid attention during 91% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Create a Quiz

Now if I just knew what autodidact meant. I guess I'll have to look it up and teach myself...

This next one is especially for PinTA.

Your Language Arts Grade: 98%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

See? I are smart.

And just when you think that these quizzes are fairly accurate...

Your score on this personality test was 63%

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Personality Quiz
Take More Quizzes

Well... I guess no quiz is perfect. ;) But it still leaves me with one question... How can you score a 63% on a personality quiz? Are there wrong answers? "Aw crap. I guess I don't pass. Shoot, and I really thought I had a personality too."

Friday, January 19, 2007

Are Ju Tahking to Me?

Courtesy of Kathleen.

What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The West

Your accent is the lowest common denominator of American speech. Unless you're a SoCal surfer, no one thinks you have an accent. And really, you may not even be from the West at all, you could easily be from Florida or one of those big Southern cities like Dallas or Atlanta.

The Midland
North Central
The Inland North
The South
The Northeast
What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Something in the Air

Just what I like to see on the weather forecast. Don't you wish you were here fermi?

Thursday Night, Jan 11
Low: 4 °F RealFeel®: -12 °F
Mostly cloudy and frigid with snow flurries

Did you all catch that? Not only is it in the single digits and it feels like -12, but the really good part... mostly cloudy and FRIGID with snow flurries. I know, I know... for most of you cloudy and frigid would be enough, but not for us. We're a hearty breed out here. No... we demand more, and snow flurries most definitely ice the cake.

UPDATE: The lyin' batch o' forecasters. I don't know where they got their degrees from, but they missed it by a mile. It's currently -8. Dress warm KTM, I'm sending it your way. ;)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Unfortunately, There is a "Me" in Meme

Ok... despite all of my best efforts to the contrary, I got waylaid by fermicat.

So here it is and I have no doubt it will be the most boring answer that meme ever had.

The rules are simple:

1. Find the nearest book.
2. Name the book.
3. Name the author.
4. Turn to page 123.
5. Go to the fifth sentence on the page.
6. Copy the next three sentences and post to your blog.
7. Tag three more lucky souls.

The nearest book to me is... Blacks Law Dictionary, 5th Edition, and I'm guessing it was written by Black.

So we turn to page 123 and start at the 5th sentence where we find...

"Auto Theft. A form of larceny, the subject matter of which is a motor vehicle. The taking and carrying away of a motor vehicle from the owner or possessor with intent to deprive him permanently of it."

Boy... I'll just bet you all were dying to know that. :P

I'll spare anyone else the humility of memeing further.


Next on the list is for some reader input. I'm going to put together an interview of a mystery blogger and I'm looking for questions for it. Go ahead and put your questions in your comments, or, if you'd like to remain anonymous, drop me an email with them in it at

I'll sift out the best of them and you'll get to read the answers. I'm sure it's gonna be interesting at the very least.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Talking to Some Chinese

I know I've been shamelessly singled out by fermicat and that you're all dying (HA!) to know what that meme reveals, but you'll just have to wait a little longer.

Yes, today I've got to speak about something that I'm not all that fond of... college football.

I've never been a fan of college ball. I'm a big pro ball guy, but college? Not so much. But anyway, last night I had to watch the Fiesta Bowl. I didn't go to Boise State, but I was almost duty bound to watch anyway. After all... it's the first time that any Idaho school has been in a major bowl game, and I had to see how bad Oklahoma would spank 'em.

Sometime after the opening kickoff though, a couple of Chinese guys must have shown up because we were talking to them for the rest of the game. Their names were Ho Lee Crap, and his twin brothers, Ho Lee Shite and Ho Lee Cow. They were definitely in the conversation a lot.

For those of you that didn't watch the game, it turned out to be a real barn burner. BSU took an early lead and then let OU hang around for the entire game and then tie it up with about a minute and a half left. BSU has some skilled players, and even though they were pretty flat, they had 2 timeouts left and could definitely get into field goal range for the win.

The first play after the kickoff found the BSU quarterback throwing an ill advised pass which an OU defensive back intercepted and ran back for a touchdown, sealing BSU's fate. Hey Cinderella, guess what. It's midnight. After all... OU now had a 7 point lead with 1:03 left in the game.

But by gad, the BSU boys didn't lay down just yet. They took the ball on the kickoff and made it up to around their own 22. Then they worked their way past midfield and made it to the Oklahoma 40 yard line. Now, if they wouldn't have thrown the interception, all they would have needed was about 15 more yards to kick a field goal. Unfortunately, when trailing by 7, three doesn't do you much good. So what do you do? Drop back for a pass and get sacked for an 8 yard loss. Crap! Then you throw a couple of incompletes to make it 4th and 18, just to add to the drama.

Well... one play left or the game's over. BSU opens up the bag o' plays and calls a hook and lateral. For the non-football heathens among you, that means the quarterback throws the ball to a player who draws the defense to him for the tackle only to pitch it to another player heading the opposite direction. They ran it to perfection. Not only did they get the 18 yards, but the guy was able to turn the corner and run it in to the end zone for the hopeful tie if they scored the extra point, which they did, with only 7 seconds left.


OU runs one play in OT, and scores a touchdown, followed by an extra point.

BSU takes their opportunity and squanders many chances so that they can get to 4th and goal from the 5. But I'll be dipped if they didn't run a direct snap to the flanker who threw it for a touchdown. My bro and I are now advising them to go for the two point conversion and the win. We must be good coaches, because that's what they did, only they ran another trick play where they fake a pass one way and hand off to the running back going the opposite. He ran into the end zone for the score and the win.

It was quite possibly the best college game I've ever watched.